There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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