I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
