Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
