Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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