How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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