i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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