maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
