i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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