My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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