I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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