i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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