I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
