I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
