i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
