i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
