What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
