you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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