Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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