dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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