If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
