Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
