Just cropdusted the office
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
