we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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