Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
