I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
