I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
there's paper in my vomit.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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