so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
