Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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