GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So many bounce houses so little time
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
