Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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