I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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