Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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