you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
