Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
