you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize