there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
