OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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