Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
