I hate your face
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize