And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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