No awkward lesbian experiences without me
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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