My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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