neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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