One girl and one boy is just not enough.
no, he came in my armpit
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
