she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
