i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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