38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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