I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
