You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
