I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
