Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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