I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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