i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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