Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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