i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
