I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
