Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
