my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
How does one acquire holy water?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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