Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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