they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
