Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
