Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
