did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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